Why is it so hard to be NICE?

A few years ago on this blog - not hard to find it is the previous blog entry - I told everyone how to fix the world. It seems nothing has changed.

I know when bullies at school would bully kids, it was all negative and nasty unkind things, half of which were complete fabrication, intended to hurt and scar, in a vain attempt to feel better about themselves, right? Bullies put you down to make themselves feel better.

So then, gay community, STOP BEING BULLIES. Jesus. Enough already. I have some great friends, whom I adore - but I listen to their conversation and their comments - and holy crap they are all, simply put, mean. Unkind. Bitchy.

It's horrific to watch and witness. Why people feel the need to say and do things to deliberately get under one's skin is beyond me. Were these people not taught kindness? Were they not taught compassion?

Surely after high school is done we can move on and start adulting? But see - here is the problem - we witness "ADULTS" bullying too. Politicians use name calling, and shaming as campaign techniques. Bad managers use threats and put downs as 'motivation'. Friends use taunts and jibes and name-calling and nastiness for...what?

Say what you will, I am a Disney fan. Have been all my life. And I was truly excited to see the live action version of Cinderella. The animated version was beautifully artistic in many ways, and the story shows the bullied underdog who is good and pure and nice "winning" as it were. And when I finally got to see the live-action version, I was relieved that it was worth the wait.

I am not here to discuss the technical merits of the production, but one thing has truly stayed in my mind since seeing it about 2 years ago. And that is the very VERY simple message of the whole thing:

"Have Courage, and be Kind"

That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. One simple, two-part direction. So let's look at them.

Have Courage - stand up for what you believe in - stand up for those in need - stand up when things are tough and you feel overwhelmed, stand up for what is right. You don't get much simpler than that.

Be Kind. Does this really need explanation? Obviously it does. Be NICE. Be Kind. Don't be a dick. Don't be a bully. Don't make other people miserable. Be Kind. Say something nice. I remember my Mom drilling into me frequently "If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all". Take note, you bullies. If you really feel that shitty about yourself, see a bloody therapist. They are trained to help you not be a dick.

Be kind to those around you. You have no idea what is going through their mind. You do not know what their own personal struggles may be. Adding to their burden by any form of bullying is dangerous and destructive. That single bit of kindness you show them could save them from the brink of disaster. You never know when you could find yourself wishing for that same kindness.

For the record, bitchiness, cruelty, unkindness and bullying are NOT funny. They are not attractive traits. They are not humorous. They are simply not. Belittling someone else in ANY way, shape or form is NOT FUNNY. Chewbacca mask lady - she is funny. John Oliver - he is funny. You and your nasty, bitchy hateful comments - you are NOT funny. 

So go out there and have courage and be kind. Because the cool thing about doing nice things and having the courage to stand up for good - is that it comes back to you as the same thing. YOU can make a different to everyone you come into contact with and make their lives better - and they in turn will learn from that and make yours better too. 

Let's change the world and start by being nice to one another. And while you're at it, be nice to yourself too.

How to Fix the World: Lesson 1 - Eradicate Negativity

There are a lot of things wrong with this world. Huge problems and some things we simply have lost control of. And while I know not everything can be fixed with one solution, I bet some simple things could make a huge impact if enough people followed them. People would argue that “I’m just one person, I can’t make a difference” – but they would be wrong - because leadership by example does work, and good things start with just one person who makes an impact.

One of the major things which I think is causing a lot more problems than people realize is negativity.  We’re constantly inundated with it from all sides. And the problem is that it grows and festers and gets worse if not kept in check.

In modern advertising for products, we get our faults pointed out to us. ‘Your hair is grey – colour it” or “Loose those extra pounds” or “Cover up that blotchy skin with this product”. It may seem innocent enough, and a way to market a product which promises the world, but the truth it, it makes us negative people. 

I have noticed a lot of people who point out the faults in others lately. I see it in social media such as facebook or youtube, and I hear it in conversations at work or in public. People have learned to “nit-pick” and to find fault in others. They have learned that to feel better about themselves and allay their insecurities, they must put others down.

When I was a kid, my Mother would often say “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”, and we could learn a lot from doing exactly that. There was a study which said that every insult would take 1000 compliments to eradicate – I don’t doubt that based upon my own experiences. I have been hugely insecure over the years, and sometimes still am, because of things said to me.

Bullies are experts at putting others down, and hurtful words can have far reaching, long term negative effects on people. Kids who are teased or bullied will report that they remember some of those harsh words even late into their adult lives. Like a disease, those words stay under the surface, popping out on occasion when insecurities are rampant. And I should know – this happens to me too.

I don’t remember many specifics from my childhood, but I can recall verbatim almost every insult thrown at me, especially when I am feeling low or insecure, even if just for a moment. Things some bully on a playground said to me when I was 6, some in high-school and beyond. Those negative jibes have stayed with me all these years, even the ones as recent as 2 years ago.

The trend of negativity isn’t just related to bullying and bringing people down. Often it is seen as “being funny” or “just making a joke” – but the alarming truth is that it is consuming our society – and it’s not ever funny. All you have to do is watch any political advertisement for a candidate, and you will notice how they often pick apart their opponent on a personal level. Frankly, if you don’t have anything to say about your platform and have to resort to putting your opponent down, obviously your platform is not very strong to begin with.

You cannot totally avoid negativity, sadly. But each of us has a choice. We can choose to brush it off and focus on those things which are positive and good in us, or we can choose to allow that negativity to make us negative people, and perpetuate the cycle by using insults and negative comments to bring others down and make ourselves feel better about who and what we are.

I encourage readers of this to try the former option. Think for a moment before you say something to someone else: Is what I am about to say good, kind, or helpful? And if the answer is no, then don’t say it. Say nothing, instead of finding a weakness in another person; build them up, instead of tearing them down. Everyone has had difficulties in their lives, and the person you are about to insult, even in jest, may be vulnerable and deserves and needs your encouragement, not your criticism.

And just perhaps, if we all actively tried to be positive in our thoughts, words and deeds, we could turn around the trend of negativity and the problems in this world which we have created by falling victim to what we are fed repeatedly. Your kind words could have a huge, positive impact on someone who needs that little bit of encouragement. 

Good riddance!

People with strong religious conviction often say things based upon their belief system. I’m not going to make this into a religious debate, because there are so many others who have made incredibly strong arguments on both sides of the issue, and it is not a debate I wish to get into. But I will say that I believe that any Deity who is supposedly loving, and kind and omnipotent would not hate any of his or her creations.

And so, with many gay people attempting to gain acceptance for their homosexuality from family and friends and the like, and often facing rejection, hatred and ridicule from “society”, this morning I was taken aback to read a comment posted on the picture of myself and my pups during the pride parade.

The comment (now removed) was “fucking stupid” and the person who posted it, did me the favour of removing themselves from my friends list after posting the comment. And well they should.

I make no apologies for who I am and some of the many things I am into. I like a LOT of things – some which people may find weird or “out there” or just different. But then again, I know people who like things which I think are different and don’t turn me on, but I DO believe in their fundamental right to enjoy what they enjoy without judgement and snide remarks.

Which brings me to my point. As gay people we are often discriminated against, hated upon, and generally mistreated by people from all walks of life. Should we not, therefore, be more accepting of one another? How can we hope to gain acceptance from society as a whole if we don’t accept ourselves as a whole?

We are all different. We all have interests and turn-ons and kinks and fetishes and quirks which make us the unique individuals we are. So why spread hate and disdain for one another? It’s only going to perpetuate hate for the gay community if we hate ourselves.

So to the gay man who posted his hateful words, I say learn to accept that which you don’t understand, and learn tolerance, and love and respect for those around you, or you will never truly feel that acceptance from others. I'd rather not have you on my friends list, thank you.

Show Me!

Firstly, to the uninitiated, or those who simply don’t know, I am gay. SURPRISE! I am qualifying this remark by writing today about a piece of music from a classic musical, most often the domain of fabulous people such as myself. Quoting lyrics from musicals is common-place for me, so hopefully none of this will come as a shock. But now down to business.

In ‘My Fair Lady’ Lerner and Lowe wrote a song called ‘Show Me!’ In the song, Eliza is frustrated with Professor Higgins’ inability to express his emotions, and when Freddie starts to profess his love for her, he gets mad, and sings, in part: “Haven't your lips Longed for my touch? Don't say how much, Show me! Show me! Don't talk of love lasting through time. Make me no undying vow. Show me now! Sing me no song! Read me no rhyme! Don't waste my time, Show me!” and so on.

Her angry tirade is appropriate to how I am feeling at the moment, although with a few slight differences. Firstly, I realize I live in the far off land or Canada, and also in the boondocks, according to just about everyone, so I don’t expect everyone to show up at my door. Secondly I strongly believe in the power of words, as I spend most of my day using them. Having said that, let me try and explain what I mean when I say to you “Show Me!”

When someone professes to be my friend, I find it so frustrating to have to always be the one who picks up the phone, or starts the conversation. The joy of communication in a modern age is this: communication mediums work both ways. Granted, I talk a lot. I write a lot. I blog quite a lot (some would argue I should blog more, other less). But if I am your friend, shouldn’t you put in the effort too? Shouldn’t you also check in to see how I am doing? Shouldn’t you want to know what’s going on in my life? I know I post stuff on Facebook etc, but (and sorry to disillusion anyone here) I don’t post everything about what’s going on on there.

Now don’t get me wrong, I do understand we all have our own lives to lead, and things happen beyond our control to prevent us from communicating with friends. But when that one day of being out of touch turns into weeks on end, don’t you think about your friends? Don’t you wonder how they are doing? What they are doing? Don’t you wonder if they are ok? Or wonder what lies beneath the facebook statuses? Or, indeed, between them?

I know this sounds a little like an attention seeking plea – and I suppose it truly is, but as someone who places a very high value on their friendships, I don’t feel it is too much to ask. I guess in some way, I feel tired of playing second fiddle to people who I care about on many levels. I find it hurtful and painful that while I sit somewhat alone on a daily basis, other people who are friends don’t seem to be arsed about how I am. It leaves me feeling alone and isolated, and not very valued at all. Am I placing too much value on my friendships? I don’t think so, but perhaps I am.

So there is a lesson here for those of you who have friends in your life: take a little time out – say ‘Hi, how are you’, reach out and communicate – I DO believe in the power of words to brighten a day, to change a mood and definitely to save a life – I have seen it happen. This is important, because if you ignore your friends when things are good in your life, don’t be surprised if they ignore you when you truly need their support in bad times.

Just sayin.

Another pet perv - I mean peeve

OK – I know I have said this sort of stuff before but holy crap it frustrates me. I AM NOT A PIECE OF MEAT ATTACHED TO A PENIS. Dear god, people! I breathe. I have a pulse. I have a brain which is NOT a part of my penis. I think. I do. I feel. I learn. Not only that – I’m probably one of the few people you know who has SO much information about themselves out there. I have a webpage, I have blogs, I have facebook, twitter, tumblr, youtube, you-fricking-name-it, there is something about me at almost every corner of the internet universe.

SO why do people still ask my stats? Why do people still ask the basic questions about me which are clearly written in not one, but multiple places around the web? Furthermore, why do they bother to contact me if they obviously want to know NOTHING about me. I would say it drives me nuts, but the smartass friends I have would say something about that. It is, however bloody annoying.

If you want to talk to me or message me, then do some leg work. Find out WHO I am not just what I am. READ – don’t just look at the pretty pictures. I get conversations by IM or email which start off with “I’m so horny right now” – I’m glad you are. I am horny too – all the time. And while its nice to be looked at as a porn item, there is so much more to me than that. If that is all you are interested in me for, then please keep moving.

I am funny, and witty, and mischievous, sometimes kinky and bordering on perverted. I love to laugh – I openly admit I can be moved to tears – both good and bad, sometimes at the drop of a hat. I love my friends, I’m passionate about a number of things, including kink. I don’t like mushrooms and I don’t do phone sex. I don’t own a cell phone, and I won’t send you pictures by email text or courier pigeon. There are more than enough pictures of me available out there on the web – and I add new ones constantly. If I can make the effort to read the profiles of you I can find, you can do the same.

/end rant

Love 101

Right. Here we go.

Abuse of the English language aside, one thing a lot of people seem unable to grasp is the concept of love. OK, OK, OK…. Keep your hair on. Let me be clear.

There are many different forms of love. And there is a VAST difference between loving someone and being IN love with someone. Also some people seem to confuse LUST with love. (I could name quite a few people here, but I shan’t)

So I love my biological brother. He is family and there is a bond there. But, honestly, I don’t like him very much. That’s a kind of love. I love my family differently than I love my friends.

I *DO* love my friends. And I tell them that. I say “I love you” – sometimes during conversations – and it freaks some people out. So for the record, here is what I mean when I say to you “I love you”.

I mean that I care about you. That there is a place in my heart for you. That I miss you when you aren’t around. That I feel a bond to you. That I care about what happens to you. That I want only the best for you. I mean that seeing you happy makes me happy.

I am not *in* love with you. And, honestly, I don’t know if that’s something I will be able to feel again after my past – but things change I guess. When I’m in love, I can’t get the person I am in love with out of my mind. And my heart physically hurts to be separated from them. And that scares the shit out of some people, apparently, especially if that same level of love and devotion is not reciprocated from them.

So to my friends, know what I mean when I say ‘I love you’. Because I have a heart larger than you can fathom. And each and every one of you holds a little piece of it in your hands. It’s delicate, and it hurts easily. So don’t abuse it. Don’t treat it with careless abandon. It’s a treasure. And once it’s been wounded, that piece dies, with very little chance of revival.

So thank you to my friends for accepting my love. And for those of you who return that love – thank you. When you feel alone – remember: I love you.

Just sayin.....

Facebook Fury

Ok – so I’m partially a facebook junkie. I admit it. I do with facebook what I do with my refrigerator. I return every once in a while to see if something new or appetizing miraculously appeared while I was gone. And usually – not much. But lately – two things have been occurring which seriously piss me off!!

/Start rant

I was intrigued by a notification which read “Whatshis Name has tagged you in a picture”. And I clicked on the notification to see a picture of Whatshis Name. And I noticed he has tagged not just me, but like 30 other people in his picture. And I found my blood boiling.

Firstly – the picture was clearly not me. (Not that it matters, but it was nothing like me). So don’t bloody tag me in it. Secondly – I then had to try and figure out a way to UNTAG myself. This is quite an endeavor on facebook – because they keep changing the rules. I managed to untag myself and then promptly deleted Whatshis from my friends, and blocked him permanently, and uttered a curse to the universe upon his fake-tagging ass.

What troubles me is the motivation. Now don’t get me wrong, I am flattered someone thought of me – but don’t tag me in something I am not in. Don’t try and boost your friends list by piggy backing on other peoples friends who will want to see the picture they are tagged in. Is it just me? I mean – how would you feel if you were tagged in a picture of someone else you are clearly not in?

I DO have to state though, that I have before been tagged in pictures which were of a humorous nature – as a way of a friend saying “I think you are like this” – I get that – and I can smile along with the rest of them. But not when it shows questionable motivation like the incident I mentioned – which – I may hasten to add, happened twice in a week…..

The other part of my rant today is still a facebook subject, and I have seen a number of people complaining about the same thing recently on their walls.

Almost every day, someone randomly adds me to a group they are in. Now don’t get me wrong here – Its nice to have some groups on facebook to which you can belong and meet  people with the same interests/likes etc, but it frustrates me that facebook allows people to add you automatically, without permission to a group which you have no interest or nothing in common with.

Now some of my Facebook friends have really taken offense to that – they have not only left the group immediately, but they have deleted and blocked the person who added them, and sworn the wrath of the gods upon them. That may be a tad extreme, but I see their point. It’s frustrating being added to a group without having the choice. Maybe facebook will change that policy – who knows.

In the mean time, as a courtesy, ASK ME – message me on facebook – say to me “hey, I’m in this group, would you like to be added?” and I can tell you right away yes or no.

JUST SAYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

/end rant.